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Andreas Stefanovich
Crackers
22 May 2005

Astonished by the political gamesmanship and blatant disregard for the highest law of the land in Washington, D.C., three of Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner's (R-WI) college interns devised a prank software program that deliberately churned out unconsitutional legislative garbage which they fed up the staff chain to the Congressman for implementation on a national level. Their fake legislation was intended to show that Congressional staffers and Congresspersons have absolutely no minimum standards for the legislation they will pass.

The interns claim responsibility for several pieces of legislation introduced by Sensenbrenner including:

• H.R. 418- To establish and rapidly implement regulations for State driver's license and identification document security standards, to prevent terrorists from abusing the asylum laws of the United States, to unify terrorism-related grounds for inadmissibility and removal, and to ensure expeditious construction of the San Diego border fence.
• H.R.1452- For the relief of the parents of Theresa Marie Schiavo.
• H.R.1528- To amend the Controlled Substances Act to protect vulnerable persons from drug trafficking, and for other purposes.

"We decided to test the limits," said intern Arvel Baumgardner, a junior majoring in political science at the Wisconsin School of Public Policy. "We were tired of Republicans and Democrats squabbling over each other's unconstitutional proposals while shamelessly ignoring constitutional standards in their own legislative proposals. We wanted to see how blatantly unconstitutional a piece of legislation had to be before a Congressman found it too embarassing to introduce it."

"Unfortunately, it looks like Representative Sensenbrenner may never reach that point," said Marjorie McBeasley, a senior pre-law major also at the Wisconsin School of Public Policy. "We decided we were going too far with this. After all, these garbage laws keep getting passed by Congress, and now we're all going to have to live with them."

The two interns regret their part in helping Sensenbrenner and his colleagues further decimate the Constitution. They would like to make clear, however, that they are responsible only for legislation introduced during the current session. "We only started working for Sensenbrenner a few months ago," explained McBeasley. "We had nothing to do with any of the garbage he introduced before that."

They are now looking for a Congressperson to call for hearings into the massive amount of unconstitutional legislation that regularly makes its way through Congress and is signed into law by the President. Unfortunately, only one Congressperson who gives a damn at all about the Constitution has been located, and he cannot find any other legislators willing to participate in such hearings.

The third student had no comment and refused to provide his name for publication, citing his future political aspirations. The other two students told us they didn't know his full name though they suspect that he is a relative of Sensenbrenner's. He apparently went by the moniker "Li'l Jimbo" at the office.

Well, Crackers says fuck that! If we ever catch wind of that little shithead's name you can damn well bet it will be all over this cheapass excuse for an internet satire rag! And if we ever get our hands on that pissant we're going to put the smackdown on his sorry ass until he wets himself and says that Crackers is his daddy.