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Clinical Trials Begin on Anti-Voting Patch
Andreas Stefanovich AnarchoScientific Enterprises announced today that it has received approval from the United States Food and Drug Administration to begin clinical trials of a patch to help citizens eligible for voting break the nasty habit. The patch contains a time-released substance called Novotrin which helps habitual voters "step down" gradually from vigorous voting habits until they eventually stop altogether. "We are thrilled to be moving forward with this study which we believe will be pivotal in establishing effectivity of this device for persons of all political persuasions," said Stanley Ellis Kleinkauf, III, spokesperson for AnarchoScientific Enterprises which invented the patch. "Preliminary results from the lab suggest that voters using a Novotrin patch are twice as likely to permanently quit voting as those going cold turkey." When asked about the safety of the product, Kleinkauf noted that voting is one of the top hazards facing Americans today. "Voting is the danger- not voting cessation products. It is the means by which ordinary citizens participate in perpetrating all kinds of horrors- from anti-drug laws and the Patriot Act to the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq- on neighbors right next door and around the globe," Kleinkauf said. "Astonishingly, the government has done little to attack this problem and instead has gone to great lengths to encourage people to engage in this habit." Government officials refused to comment publicly. However, a source who wishes to remain anonymous notes that the patch is causing great confusion among bureaucrats. Some officials reportedly do not understand why a patch is needed to discourage voting when the rampant corruption in the process, not to mention the abysmal choices presented to voteres, ought to be deterrent enough. Others note that the issue can easily be made moot if the president follows through on preliminary talk of cancelling elections.
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