Crackers |
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Your Bodies, Their Choice
Hailey Filipelli The debate over silicone breast implants continued last week with a Food & Drug Administration advisory panel voting 5-4 vote to continue its 13-year-old ban on silicone implants made by Inamed while lifting the ban by a 7-2 vote on implants made by Mentor. While the advisory panel is charged with examining the scientific evidence to determine only whether or not the devices are safe, anonymous sources tell Crackers that the votes ultimately came down to the aesthetic preferences of the panel members. Extensive closed-door testing was conducted by the panel members comparing artificial breasts containing each type of implant with the unaltered breasts of a control group of Hooters waitresses. "When panel members initially reviewed the data provided by both manufacturers, they were astonished to find this data was not contained in the technical reports submitted by either applicant," our source told us. "They simply didn't feel that they could, in good conscience, approve implants that did not provide adequate support while maintaining a comfortable neck orientation for those men who use their lovers' breasts as pillows." Inamed implants were reportedly rejected for being too hard. "Panel members felt that the Inamed implants simply didn't provide the shock absorption necessary for the man who tosses and turns in his sleep. They were concerned that unwitting mates of implant-wearers could suffer bruises and even concussions if their heads impacted the implants too hard or at the wrong angle," our source reported. "Mentor implants, on the other hand, were deemed soft and pliable by most panel members. They felt that these implants had a pleasing texture, and they enjoyed watching them spring back into shape when they poked them." Our source, however, did question the validity of the panel's conclusion, noting that all seven members were completely hammered by the time the Mentor implants were tested. Apparently the Hooters waitresses brought several kegs of beer and a large supply of buffalo wings with them.
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