Crackers |
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Segregation Making Global Comeback
Hailey Filipelli Several railways ceremoniously kicked off a formal campaign against groping of female passengers by offering woman-only cars on various subway lines in the Tokyo metropolitan area. The service will be offered during morning rush hours on trains bound for central Tokyo. Some female passengers are finding that the service has additional advantages beyond personal security. "I didn’t like the smell of alcohol and cigarettes on the men," said one woman. More passengers seem to be interested in segregated cars for their own benefit as well. Many elderly passengers have requested over-60-only cars to combat pushing and shoving of the elderly as well as young people stealing from vulnerable seniors. Some men have called for male-only cars to protect themselves from false groping accusations. Allergen-sensitive passengers and those with respiratory conditions are organizing a "Non-Scents" car campaign which would allow only fragrance-free passengers to board the car citing serious health threats. One railway official spoke to Crackers on the condition of anonymity. "The situation is getting out of hand," the official told us. "At this rate we are going to need one car per passenger to accomodate all of the special requests." That is exactly what claustrophobic and xenophobic railway patrons are requesting, noting that crowded trains pose a serious threat to their mental and physical well-being. The trend of segragating undesirables from their would-be victims is piquing interest around the globe. Fringe groups in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan are calling for infidel-free subways as well arguing that their eternal salvation is at stake, the non-existance of such transit options in these countries notwithstanding. In the United States, where academic achievement rates vary depending on how students are grouped, a number of special interest groups have surfaced across the country. Two of the most prominent factions include Asians who are increasingly calling for Asian-only schools to keep other minority and white students from negatively impacting their education, and geeks and nerds who stress the need for popular student-free classrooms to combat bullying and harassment. Noting that they are more than fed up with the threat of IRA bombings, British special interest groups are calling for all persons of Irish decent to be driven out of the United Kingdom. "It's a matter of public safety," said a man in a pub. "We can't be expected to get to know each and every drunken mick we come across. Even if we could, they all look the same anyway so it would be impossible to tell the ill-intentioned from the rest of them. It's just good sense to get rid of them all."
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