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Hailey Filipelli
Crackers
22 May 2005

President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are reportedly rehearsing daily for a whirlwind, multi-city tour this summer promoting the recently approved Real ID legislation.

The roadshow- dubbed "Up with People with Real ID"- will have a largely musical format to appeal to summer concertgoers who can't afford real entertainment. Admission will be free, but audience members will be limited to those who submit paperwork documenting their identity in accordance with the standards laid out in the Real ID legislation. Additionally, attendees will need to sign an statement indicating that they endorse Real ID without reservation and think George W. Bush makes a damned fine president.

The roadshow will incorporate elements from the Up With People musical tours which ran from the late 1960's through the 1990's. A White House spokesman reports that the "Up with People" song lyrics are being revamped to promote the Real ID. A draft version was released to the press:

It happened just this mornin' while I was walking down the street
A milkman, and a postman, and a policeman I did meet
They asked me who I was, and for every last request
I smiled and flashed my Real ID, and their minds were put at rest.

Up, up with people! With Real ID wherever they go!
Up, up with people! Real ID's the best we've ever known!

If more people had Real ID
All people everywhere
There'd be a lot less terrorists
And a database safe in government's care.

The UWPWRID tour follows on the heels of President Bush's Social Security roadshow, and it also follows former Attorney General John Ashcroft's PATRIOT Act Roadshow.

Critics charge the events' real purpose is to use taxpayer dollars to bolster the administration's and the Republican-controlled Congress' plummeting approval ratings.

A White House staffer was overheard whining after a recent press conference to a colleague. "Maybe if they would stop trying to shove these damned programs that hardly anybody supports down everyone's throats we wouldn't have to do these ridiculous dog and pony shows," she said apparently referring to the latest roadshow incarnation. She did not specify who was the dog and who was the pony.