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For Real Quote of the Week:
"You can’t take over the world – but you can inflict damage while we’re waiting.
Look, as someone told me years ago, you can’t fight city hall, but you can pee on the steps and run."
Gary North, 10 June 2004
- Topless Women Terrorise Beaches in Romania
Ice cream sales are down by 25%
- "Unattractive, topless women are terrorising a beach resort in the Black Sea, police have told us. The topless women, mostly aged over 65 years, walk up and down the sea front, browse for gifts in gift shops and sometimes lay chest upwards on the sand."
- Floridians Hit Hard by Hurricane Charley
President cancels November election in Florida
- "Assuring Floridians that they would be taken care of, the president issued a disaster declaration which frees up federal emergency funds for use by the state. "In addition to declaring a state of emergency in all affected counties in Florida, I am also cancelling elections in Florida this November," Bush said."
- John Kerry Meets Michael Moore, Says “Eew,” Wipes Hand On Pants
- "Democratic Presidential candidate John Kerry met unhygienic documentary filmmaker Michael Moore in a chance encounter outside the Sheraton Hotel in Columbus, Ohio yesterday. Kerry, who seemingly did not recognize the corpulent and unkempt director, shook Moore’s hand and exchanged a few words with him. Immediately afterward Kerry was seen mouthing the word “eew” to an aide as he wiped his hand on his pants and appeared to check it for germs. "
- President Bush Asks Google to Find Osama Bin Laden
- "Google researchers are hot on the trail after President Bush commissioned them through their fee-based "Google Answers" service to find Osama Bin Laden... Sources say that Bill Gates, on hearing of the Google deal offered to undercut Googles price, whatever that price might be, by finding Bin Laden 15% cheaper than Google can."
- Iranian Fashion Police Arrest Offenders for Brash Display of Flesh; Italian Fashion Police Demand Brash Display of Flesh
United States sends international fashion-keeping forces from 'Coalition of Couture' to both nations to settle disputes
- "Iranian newspapers reported this week that nearly 200 Iranian women have been arrested for wearing insufficient head coverings. At the same time, an Italian mayor has ruled that Muslim veils will be banned in his town ostensibly for "public safety" reasons. In response, the United States has formed a 'Coalition of Couture' led by the judges from UPN's reality series America's Next Top Model to settle the matter in both countries."
- Microsoft Releases Security Patch For Service Pack 1 For Service Pack 2 For Windows XP
- "In an effort to stop viruses from spreading around the Internet, Microsoft released the long awaited Windows XP Service Pack 2 on Friday August 6th. Immediately after the release, on Saturday, Microsoft announced Service Pack 1 for Service Pack 2, which fixes many issues that were not fixed in Service Pack 2 for Windows XP. However, this morning, a hacker found a new vulnerability with Windows XP and Microsoft immediately announced the release of a security patch for Service Pack 1 for Service Pack 2 for Windows XP."
- The Vicious Cycle That's Killing Us
- "Unless we act now, affluence may soon become America's number one killer. The pressing question: If we knew about the relationship between affluence and mortality as far back as 2000, why hasn't our government done anything about it? Why have our public officials sat idly by and allowed, nay encouraged, America's poor to accumulate wealth, when government knew the poor would be putting their own health at risk?"
- Americans Dying to Defend Rights to Be Given Up Later
- "A recently completed RealStupid poll reveals that average Americans are willing to die to defend liberty when it's threatened by foreigners, yet are unwilling to bat an eyelash to defend liberty when it's threatened at home."
- Nailing Down the Problems with the Staple Gun Registry
What's Holding This Together
- "The Canadian government has already spent more than $320 million on the controversial staple gun registry, but not everyone is convinced that the binding legislation--intended to reduce the number of office, home, and construction-related stapler and staple gun injuries and deaths--is working. The government initiated the registry in 2002, requiring that every staple gun owner register their Swinglines, Boston's, and Bostitch's, as part of a control measure to make the country just a little bit safer. "
- MacGyver Foils Airport Security
- "On a flight from New York to Los Angeles, former member of the Phoenix Foundation, Angus MacGyver, foiled airport security by building a bomb out of a barf bag, a fork and a cologne sample from the in-flight magazine. "
- Military Chiefs Hide Weapons from Blair
- "Defence Secretary Geoff Hoon's supposed cuts covered the Army, Navy and Air Force and immediately drew criticism for destroying the UK's military tradition, as well displaying a callous attitude to those serving in war-ravaged Iraq. But now it emerges that the targeted soldiers, ships and squadrons are simply being hidden from the Labour Government in secret locations across the globe with Prime Minister Tony Blair being forced to say he no longer needed a full-strength capability."
- Al-Qaeda Split On Bush/Kerry For President
- "In a poll of 1000 Al-Qaeda sleeper cell members in the U.S., 48% say they would vote for George Bush, 47% would vote for John Kerry and 5% say they would vote for Ralph Nader and then kill themselves."
- Wal-Mart Greeter's Inconsistency Troubles Company Executives, Stockholders
Everything from "How are you today?" to "Welcome to the Shizzy" greets shoppers
- "A new breed of younger Wal-Mart greeters, however, is moving towards trendier ways to say hello to shoppers. Recent visits by Blue Brick employees to the Lakeland, Florida store where Sutherland works were greeted with "Whazzup?” and “Welcome to the Shizzy” by a young man wearing not only the trademark blue vest, but baggy nylon pants, a tattered Nike visor, and a large gold chain around his neck."
- Prozac in Great Britain's Drinking Water Results in Happier Britains
- "Large traces of the anti-depressant Prozac have been found in Britain's drinking water supply, settling a long debate over why Britians appear so happy and upbeat environmentalists said Saturday evening. Geoff Emerson-Heath spoke at length over the new found discovery."
- Observatory Staff Angrier Than the Red Planet
Racism Reaches Astronomical Proportions
- "In this scientific day and age, we, as astronomers, must look beyond the stars, and leave racially sensitive comments behind. This we must do in the name of science. To complete this transition to a culturally neutral observatory, and meet the standards of political correctness in the workplace, we have offered to change the names of several offensive astral entities to assuage the concerns of everyone, including our visible minority staff."
- New Reality Show - 'Who wants to be the Pope?'
- "Rome is expressing some concern that FOX network will determine the very fate of the Catholic Church for decades to come."
- Holy Trinity to Break-up
Father, Son will remain; Holy Spirit to launch solo career
- "The long-rumored break-up of The Holy Trinity became fact yesterday, when The Holy Spirit held a press conference to announce his departure from the group. The other members of The Holy Trinity were not immediately available for comment. The break-up rocked the theological community, casting doubt on the belief that the Holy Trinity was not really a trio, but rather one God revealing himself in three ways."
- This Modern World: Out of Touch
- Tom Tomorrow 'toon
- Live and Let Leak
- Mark Fiore animation
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