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For Real Quote of the Week:
"Tribal sovereignty means that, it's sovereign. You're a, you've been given sovereignty, and you're viewed as a sovereign entity. And, therefore, the relationship between the federal government and tribes is one between sovereign entities."
George W. Bush,
- Americans Sucking Canada Dry
Ginger Ale Exports Leave Canadians Bubbling Mad
- "An international agreement hurriedly signed in the 1970's with the United States is giving Canada an upset tummy. Increased American demand for Canadian ginger ale is straining Canada's natural resources, and the new Liberal government, pressured by American market interests, has hastily agreed to continue exporting one of the country's liquid treasures as part of the North American Free Trade Agreement."
- Yukos Discovers New Cash
- "Oil giant Yukos will be allowed to use new cash recently discovered down the back of the couch in reception, to pay off a massive tax bill, Russian bailiffs have agreed. The decision is a lifeline for the beleagured company and means it can use the loose change, an out of date condom and a lost wedding ring for operating costs and so stay afloat."
- Clinical Trials Begin on Anti-Voting Patch
Use of patch may be twice as effective as going cold turkey
- "AnarchoScientific Enterprises announced today that it has received approval from the United States Food and Drug Administration to begin clinical trials of a patch to help citizens eligible for voting break the nasty habit. The patch contains a time-released substance called Novotrin which helps habitual voters "step down" gradually from vigorous voting habits until they eventually stop altogether."
- Presidential Contenders to Square Off on XBOX Live
- "In an interesting twist on the tried and true debate model, The Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) has announced that President Bush and Senator Kerry will be competing against one and other during a series of extended gaming sessions using MicrosoftÕs XBOX console and XBOX Live service."
- Cocoon 2004: John Kerry Plans to Lay Low Until After Election
- " Following the release of a new USA Today/CNN Gallup Poll indicating that presidential hopeful John Kerry's approval rating actually dropped following the Democratic National Convention, Kerry made the surprising announcement that effective immediately, he will not be making any further public appearances until after the November election."
- Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just the Way He Wants It
- "After four different color schemes, a Tiki phase, and more than three years spent rearranging furniture, President Bush has the Oval Office set up just the way he wants it, the chief executive said in an informal press conference Monday."
- Love Boat, Bass Boat Vets Also Shun John Kerry
- "Veterans of the TV series "Love Boat" joined ranks with tobacco-chewing, beer-swilling Bass Boat Veterans in a news conference that criticized Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry. Along with the much-publicized Swift Boat Vets, the Love Boat Vets and Bass Boat Vets virtually guarantee that three-fourths of the U.S. voting public who ever floated on water will not vote for Kerry."
- Senior 'Drug Bus' Raid Nets 40 Arrests
- "Officials with the Bellingham Air Marine Branch reported their first bust after increasing security along the Canadian border. "We've known organized groups of people were importing large amounts of product over the border for years," admitted Michelle Christopher, spokesperson for U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement, part of the Department of Homeland Security, "But we haven't had the resources to break up their operations. Until now." Forty senior citizens aboard a bus leaving Canada, each with a supply of prescription drugs, were detained and charged with drug smuggling."
- The Real James McGreevey Scandal
- "Only days after Governor James McGreevey declared that he is "a gay American", in order to deflect who knows what kind of sleazy shit he must be involved in, he appeared in a local TV commercial. The purpose of the commercial was to give McGreevey free time, at New Jersey taxpayers' expense, to brag about the improvements he claims to have made to the Department of Motor Vehicles."
- The McGreevey Scandal: The World Reacts
- "Last week, New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey announced that he is gay, and is resigning amid possible accusations of sexual harassment. We asked the world's most prominent and influential people to share their reaction to this shocking news."
- Phelps Refuses to Drop Spitz Dream
- "Swimming is a water-based, thrashing armed world in shock today after it was revealed that American Michael Phelps still hasn't given up on his dream of equalling Mark Spitz's record of seven Olympic gold medals. Since dropping the 200 metre freestyle in Athens to Australia's Ian Thorpe, which appeared to end his chances of matching Spitz's feat, Phelps has been desperately trying to enter other Olympic events to pick up an extra gold."
- U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team Successfully Fends Off Russia, Puberty to Win Silver
- "The U.S. women's gymnastics team earned its first Olympic medal since 1996 on Tuesday, effectively fighting off both Russia and the onset of womanhood to take silver. The more growth-stunted Romanians won gold."
- Court's Annulment of Gay Marriages Frees Wife of Rosie O'Donnell
- "The California State Supreme Court's decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O'Donnell."
- 'Realistic Goals' Barbie Launched
Barbie and Ken, long since accused of fostering impossible dreams and setting children up for terrible disappointment in life, have now had a wake-up call.
- "Instead of the skinny, healthy Barbie we all know, the new Estate Agent Barbie wears a torn leather skirt and smokes menthol cigarettes... Meanwhile, Hardware Sales Ken, who battles to eak out a living peddling inferior electronic goods on a meagre margin of 6%, does not enjoy the fictitious happy marriage with Barbie."
- Food Pyramid Critics Favor Switch to Triskaidecagon
- "Keep the food pyramid's shape, but add some more sides so it fits better on marketing materials, food industry and consumer group officials told a panel of Agriculture Department representatives. The department is revising its nutrition graphic to reflect new eating guidelines that are due out early next year by a dietary guidance advisory committee."
- Heroin Chic Replaced by Low-Carb Elitism
- "It is no longer fashionable to look down your nose -- however slender -- at those who eat three entire meals a day. Derisive looks should now be proffered only to those who barbarically eat yogurt, hamburgers with buns, and other carb-heavy foods."
- Join the Fatkins Revolution!
A diet for the rest of us
- "Research indicates that 99% of women have given up on calorie counting. But it doesn't have to be this way. Just because you've given up on weight LOSS doesn't mean you have to give up on weight GAIN. The Fatkins Diet eliminates the unwanted side effects of dieting: cravings, hunger, and weight loss. Designed for the woman who's made a conscious decision to let herself go, this carefully structured eating plan will help you feel full from sunrise to sunset, while at the same time reducing your energy level to near zero."
- Troop Adjustments
- Mark Fiore animation
- Sparky Awakens
- A Tom Tomorrow 'toon
- One Man's Trash
- A Tom Toles 'toon
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