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Election 2004 Coverage

Candidates to Voting Public: Nobody Cares What You Have to Say
Kerry, Bush condemn public for voicing opinions in 2004 election

"In a campaign in which it has been difficult to distinguish one side from the other, the Democratic and Republican candidates have found yet another point they agree on. Americans should butt out of the 2004 Presidential Election."

Bush Ordered to Active Duty for Failure to Complete Military Obligation

"Facing a potential military court martial over failure to complete his full military obligation while serving in the Air National Guard, President Bush has ordered the activiation of his former F-102 intercept jet."

John Kerry To Develop Iraq Policy By 2021

"Democratic presidential hopeful John Kerry will develop a “clear, concise, consistent” Iraq policy by “no later than 2024,” a campaign memo stated yesterday."

Santa Claus Admits Not in Cambodia on Christmas Eve
Swift Sleigh Elves for Truth continue right wing smear campaign

"After weeks of speculation, Santa Claus admitted in a statement today that he did not, in fact, ride his sleigh into Cambodia on Christmas Eve of 1968. Claus clarified that he may have only approached the border of Cambodia, as official North Pole records indicate. The statement contradicts Claus’s previous claims to have traveled all around the world in a single night, stopping at the home of every deserving child with a sack full of toys. Cambodia, he had said, was “seared” in his memory."

Diebold To Buy Federal Election Commission!

"Unconfirmed sources report the Bush administration is ready to sell off the FEC to Diebold, maker of touch screen voting machines. Diebold will pay an undisclosed amount for the government commission and assume all of its functions and responsibilities."

Voting Meaningless, Says FEC Chairman

"Federal Election Commission Chairman Bradley Smith explained to reporters today that an individual vote is effectively meaningless. "Look, there are 300 million Americans out there," Smith said, "You can't be so naive you think YOUR vote somehow will matter, can you?" Smith went on to explain how voting can lead the rabble to feel like they have a say in their government, a necessary part of keeping a population subdued."

Republican Convention: The Elephant Man's Fans Are Storming Broadway!

"The Republicans are coming to New York City to make Much Ado About Nothing, and their arrival will surely turn the city into La Cage Aux Folles. Annie Get Your Gun if you want any chance of standing between these Children of a Lesser God and seats to the eight shows the New York City Host Committee has deemed appropriate for the sensitive delegates. "

Republican Convention Free Speech Zone Opens in Greenland!

"Unconfirmed sources report that Mayor Bloomberg of New York and the Republican Party have reached a compromise on the location of the free speech zone for the convention. The zone will be located on the island nation of Greenland. Every body seems to accept with the site selection and are ready to move forward."

Blue Man Group Shocks GOP Convention

"In the second over-the-top performance at a major political event this summer, Blue Man Group joins Whoopi Goldberg as the most recent inductee into the Hall of Shame. The vulgar, often X-rated performance lampooned everything from gay marriage to Kerry's war record, leaving the crowd in stunned silence throughout most of the awkward 15-minute performance."

Ralph Nader Becomes "Ralphie Nizzle the Corvair Slayer" to Attract Black Vote
Nader: "Fight suckas everywhere. Word!"

"In order to reach a new, untapped source of voters, Ralph Nader has become a part of the underground freestyle rap community. Rapping under the name of Ralphie Nizzle the Corvair Slayer, Nader has become a heavyweight among freestyle rappers."

World News

China Reports Babe Shortage!

"Unconfirmed sources report that demographic trends indicate that by the year 2010 the Chinese will be short 30 million women of marring age. Chinese officials predict that they will have to start importing thousands of American girls to avert the pending babe shortage."

English Pubs Introduce Compulsory Ugliness

"Health Secretary Dr John Reid is to introduce a bill in parliament making it compulsory for less attractive women to attend their local pub every evening. The bill is in response to pub landlords who believe that far more product is consumed when men are forced to drink these women presentable."

US Government Defaults on Debt, Bush Seeks Bailout

"The Dow Jones was in free-fall Wednesday, as international investment firms lowered the credit worthiness of the US to the "Avoid Like the Plague" level. With no other options to pursue, the US Treasury Department announced, last night, that it was defaulting on the $7 trillion US national debt."

International Bush Coalition Doubles in Size as Poland, Nigeria Join

"In the wake of mounting casualties and smoldering instability in Iraq, the campaign of President George Bush garnered two major international endorsements today when Poland and Nigeria joined his so-called "coalition of the willing." The two new allies bring to four the nations backing Bush's controversial foreign policy, joining staunch Bush supporters Saudi Arabia and the Dominican Republic. "

Australia Declares Global War On Plastic Bags

"In an effort to steal some of the attention from the United States and it's global war on terrorism, Australia today announced that they too will start a global war, focusing on plastic bags."

Athens Recruits Homeless To Fill Empty Olympic Seats

"Promising a bottle of port per event attended with two womens events guaranteed per participant, officials easily found 12,000 eager if enebriated spectators ready and willing to board buses and drive off to Athens to fill the seats for the appearance of television cameras around the world."

Science and Technology

Open Source Technology a Security Risk, Says Ashcroft

"Making America safe from terrorists may require restricting and, in some cases, banning the use of open source technology, according to Attorney General John Ashcroft."

Scientists Find Elusive Gay Gene Hiding Behind Married-With-Kids Gene

"Genetic engineers working with the human genome project at the University of Wisconsin believe they have discovered the elusive so-called "gay gene." The genes themselves prefer to be called "non-procreative/hyper-creative" genes and appear nearly identical to normal married-with-kids genes."

Shocking Prescription Drug Commercial Actually Portrays Drug's Purpose

"In what many are calling a "sure sign of an impending Apocalypse", a commercial for Viocsan, a prescription drug for the treatment of anal warts, depicts sufferers of the condition and the resulting relief they gain from using the product, many viewers across the nation testified yesterday."

Chemical Spill Is Now Just Water Under the Bridge
City Not Worried About Contamination from Dihydrogen Monoxide Spill

"Okanagan residents are being assured that the crash of a delivery truck containing 18-tonnes of dihydrogen monoxide poses little risk to themselves or the local environment. The unfortunate accident, which disrupted local traffic for six hours, has been contained by the city's Haz-Mat specialists, who safely reduced the chemical threat through their quick, responsive actions."

Indiana University study: having children significantly lowers parents’ IQs

"A five-year study run by Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction proves what many in the scientific community have always suspected: having children significantly lowers the IQ of both male and female parents."

New Study Links Obesity to Food, Beverages

"Researchers at Des Moines' prestigious Lardasse Institute, in a joint study with Rancho Carne Vegan, Inc., have new evidence that suggests food alone may not be the reason people gain weight. "If you want to lose weight," lead scientist Rufus W. Max noted, "you have to stop it with the beverages already." Though the final survey is not legible, Dr. Max is optimistic the results will prove something."

The Internet Turns 35; A Tribute To Al Gore

"Thirty-five years ago, a young 21 year old Al Gore from Washington D.C. hooked up two computers with a cable and created what is known today as the Internet."

Whining Female Dinosaurs Killed The Entire Species

"Researchers at Melon University published a new study that proves that dinosaurs where not killed by a big asteroid colliding with earth, as previously thought, but by nagging and whining female partners."

Business

New Competition for Virgin Airlines: Slut Airlines

"A new airline has entered the highly competitive travel industry this week. Super Luxury Utopian Transport or SLUT airlines as it's referred to in the company brochures, says it is offering a unique service to the weary traveler. "

New "Windows for Mac" to Include Most Popular Viruses

"MS software developers this week announced the latest version of its "Windows for Macintosh" bundle comes with MyDoom, Bagle, SoBig, LovSan/Blaster and Melissa already installed."

Amid Growing Security Concerns, Target Changes Name to “Uhh … Who, Me?”

"Target Stores announced today that it was changing its corporate name to “Uhh … Who, Me?” as part of an overall plan to adopt a lower public profile in an increasingly dangerous world. In a press conference at its Minneapolis headquarters, Target spokesperson Amanda Crosse-Hare said that the decision came after the executive leadership reviewed architectural renderings of a planned 100-story office tower, with the company’s familiar red-and-white logo plastered on all four sides rising 10 stories tall at the top."

FAITH-BASED ENTREPRENEUR ALERT: Q3 2004 Applications for Taxpayer Dollar Handouts Are Now Being Accepted!
Apply now to receive millions for YOUR Christian conglomerate!

"President Bush's Faith-Based and Community Initiatives program is a wonderfully inventive approach to fulfilling the government's mission to provide special tax-free funding for all businesses (even secular ones) that invoke the name Jesus as their Lord and Savior."

Sports

Team USA wins bronze, paints them gold

"Defiant to the end and unsatisfied with a third-place finish, the American basketball team accepted its bronze medals, and promptly had them painted gold."

Former Iraqi Information Director Claims Iraq Beat Paraguay 68-0

"Former Iraqi Information Director Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf took to the airwaves yesterday, defiantly declaring that the Iraqi soccer team did not lose to the Paraguay in the Olympic men’s soccer semifinals. “Be advised – the Iraqi soccer team did not lose 3-1 to Paraguay. In fact, we won by the score of 68-0,” said a visibly angry Al-Sahaf."

Entertainment and Lifestyle

Lucas Inks On to Make "Oceans 1-10" Prequels

"With the unexpected runaway success of "Oceans 11", starring Geroge Clooney, Matt Damon, Julia Roberts and a host of Hollywood's other A-list celebrities, the studio has already begun production on a sequel, "Oceans 12". Excited about the cash cow potential contained in the Oceans saga, George Lucas has signed on to write, produce and direct the ten-film prequel series over the next eight years."

J-Lo Sued by Lesbian Couple for Trivializing the Institution of Marriage

"A lesbian couple in Massachusetts have filed suit for damages against Jennifer Lopez for "trivializing and threatening the sacred institution of marriage." Bev McPhee and Becky Steinberg-McPhee, who were married last month in Boston in the company of their three adopted third world children, said the decision was made to file the suit shortly after the bootylicious star married Latin singing sensation Marc Anthony on June 5th. The marriage was Lopez's third and came only six months after her much publicized breakup from film star and Oscar winner Ben Affleck, and a mere four days after Anthony's divorce from his wife."

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