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For Real Quote of the Week:
"I've always believed in open government. I don't e-mail, however. And there's a reason: I don't want you reading my personal stuff."
George W. Bush, staunch advocate of the Patriot Act which allows government to sneak-and-peek at private e-mail without informing the owner, 14 April 2005
Special Reports
- A cookie is an ALL the time food! ALL THE TIME, I say!
- "Being a monster in a barely monster-human integrated environment is difficult enough without having to live every day with the abuse heaped on him. While the human residents of Sesame Street protest that they love everyone "Just as they are!", they are covertly pursuing an agenda of modifying the monsters on Sesame Street to fit their own anthropomorphic requirements."
- Tennessee Man Befuddled by Child Support Ruling
Judge rules man is "father" of shetland pony, owes support for rest of its natural life
- "A Knoxville woman was found in court this week to have lied about having given birth to and raised a five-year-old child whose existence she was unable to prove in court... Judge Hubert Olson ruled on Tuesday that the daughter had never existed, but he did find that the woman and her ex-husband had produced the brown Shetland Pony for whose support the "father" was still responsible. "
World News
- Canada Builds Own Missile Defense Shield
Up in Arms over Arms
- " When the military project was finally revealed, it suddenly became clear to the world why Canada refused to join the United States in its efforts to build a missile defense shield."
- Millions Flock to Vatican to Pay Final Respects
Jeb Bush Restrained from Re-inserting Feeding Tube into Dead Pontiff
- "The millions of faithful file solemnly past the Pope amid tight security. There was a momentary disturbance when one man broke out of line and tried to approach the Pope, but he was quickly subdued. Sources at the Vatican are now saying that the man, who had been under observation for erratic behavior, was Florida Governor Job Bush, and that he was trying to re-insert the Pope's feeding tube."
- Vigilantes Patrol Mexican Border, Capture Illegals By Using Lawn Care Trucks
- "Hundreds of American vigilantes, some of them armed, are patrolling the Mexican border and capturing illegal immigrants. Crying alluringly, “Yard work! Lawn care! Hedge trimming!,” Anglos are coaxing Mexicans onto broken-down, open-backed trucks and speeding off with them to a Taco Bell, where INS agents are handling return-trip processing."
- Tsunami Visitor Toll Keeps Rising
- "The official visitor toll in the aftermath of the Asian tsunami has now topped 200,000. Yet politicians from across the globe, from world leaders to town councillors, still pour in to see the devastation for themselves – each claiming the damage and human suffering is every bit as bad as they had been told."
- US Air Travelers Required to Fly In Their Underwear
- "Recent incidents involving shoe bombs, purse pyrotechnics and causal dress dynamite have led F.A.A. officials to consider making all air travelers strip down to their underwear before boarding US flights. In an attempt to further protect the public from bra, boxer and brief bombs the new regulations under consideration would require that all personal underwear be removed and replaced with state approved disposable paper undergarments."
- The American Prosperity Forever Bill Moves to the Senate
- "The House of Representatives today passed the American Prosperity Forever Bill and sent it to the Senate for consideration. The bill allows corporations to access personal bank accounts and move the money to their own accounts. "We were looking for ways to reward of some of our best corporate citizens, and several lobbyists, suggested that giving them the ability to access these accounts would raise productivity," said Republican Representative Blake Friday from Maryland."
- N. Korea Confesses; Other Evil Countries Come Forward
- "Newly added to the list of countries acknowledging possession of nukes are Iran, Israel, South Korea, Japan, Cuba, South Africa, Canada, Switzerland and The United Caribbean Emirates (formerly Jamaica and The Virgin Islands)."
Science and Technology
- Shuttle Ready To Kill More Astronauts
- "A brief delay in the rollout of Discovery was caused by the fact that scientists noticed that the Shuttle is being controlled by a computer system that is less powerful then the chip that controls the iPod."
- Apple Announces New iPod For Deaf People
- " Steve Jobs announced that Apple will release a new version of it's hugely popular iPod MP3 player called the "iPod - Deaf" targeting specifically the deaf market."
- Getting Your Medicine: What Can You Do?
- "Lately, many women who ask their pharmacists for birth control have been getting a nasty surprise: "No." In an effort to superimpose their beliefs on everyone else, drug store workers across the country have been denying birth control to women and abortion pills to rape victims, causing House and Senate backers to unveil a bill Thursday that would force these renegade workers to perform their jobs. But until that bill passes, how will you get your medicine?"
- Microsoft Base on Mars Uncovered
- "Is there intelligent life on Mars? Donald Hobbs of Montauk, NY thinks so, and he is not alone in his assessment. Donald is a member of the fringe organization called the Free Reconnaissance of Extraterrestrial Alien Kingdoms, or F.R.E.A.K."
Business
- U.P.S. Offers No Frills Air Travel
- "Adapting to the changing market dynamic, U.P.S. announced today the inauguration of its "personal airfreight cabin sevice" for passengers between N. Y. and L.A.. Cargo containers, formerly used exclusively for freight, have been retrofitted with environmental controls for light and ventilation, and four economy class passenger seats, two on each side... The introductory price for the flight is $97 one-way, or families and groups can reserve an entire personal cabin for $350."
- Forbes Releases List of Top Party Corporations
- "For the second year in a row, Forbes today named Milwaukee-based MedEnable Systems (NYSE: MDN) its top party corporation for 2005. The annual list recognizes those publicly traded companies that really know how to cut loose. "
Sports
- Mike Tyson Signs With Temple University
- "Temple University basketball coach John Chaney today announced the signing of Mike Tyson to play basketball for the Owls. “Mike’s a fine young lad,” Chaney said, “and will lend maturity and inside strength to our young squad.” The NCAA approved the application because its been so long since Tyson did anything resembling professional sports that he can be considered an amateur."
- Hockey Conscription Works for Canadians
You Might Be Picked in the Next Hockey Draft
- "The Ministry of Sports, on the advice of the Honourable Wayne Gretzky, has put forward a recommendation to parliament to improve the current legislation in the National Sports Act. The proposed amendment, expected to receive a speedy ascent, will require that "all able-bodied people between the ages of nine and nineteen" participate for at least two years in the national sport of ice hockey. Canadian hockey legends Jean-Marc-André-Philippe Gaston-Lebeau, and Shoo-Dah Puk are given the Gordie Howe Award for Meritorious Service. The Act currently requires only one year of service, and is limited to young men."
- The Devil and Mr. Bettman
- "After weeks of rampant speculation, the Devil announced that he debuting a new level of hell this weekend designed specifically for NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, who recently cancelled the NHL season because they were unable to make a deal in time.."
- Fuzzy Zoeller Psyched to Eat Fried Chicken and Collard Greens
- "With Tiger Woods winning his first Masters since 2002 on Sunday, veteran golfer Fuzzy Zoeller said he can almost taste the fried chicken and collard greens."
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- Goth Expresses Individuality; Dresses Like Other Goths
- "Local Goth Sara Weaver shocked onlookers in a daring expression of individuality Thursday as she arrived for class at Klamath Falls South High School dressed like the 49 other gothic students currently enrolled at the school."
- Catholic Churches Don't Have Enough Room if Everyone Wants to Turn Up
Church Faces Mourning Frenzy Crisis
- "Catholic Churches across the world, battling massive declines in attendance for the last twenty years, are bracing themselves for one of the busiest weeks in living memory, we can report."
Cartoons
- Ethics Extermination
- Mark Fiore animation
- Neighborhood Cop
- Russmo 'toon
- FDA-Approved
- Stuart Carlson 'toon
- Patriot Act
- Clay Bennett 'toon
- French Twaddle
- Ben Sargent 'toon
- News Talk
- Ted Rall 'toon
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