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For Real Quote of the Week:
"Close the borders in California and all across Mexico and in the United States. Because I think it is just unfair to have all those people coming across, have the borders open the way it is, and have this kind of lax situation."
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, immigrant from Austria, 19 April 2005
Special Reports
- Your Bodies, Their Choice
FDA advisory panel approves breast implants with most natural texture
- "Extensive closed-door testing was conducted by the panel members comparing artificial breasts containing each type of implant with the unaltered breasts of a control group of Hooters waitresses."
World News
- Cardinals Leave Conclave Stoned
- "Blowing multicolored smoke from hashish pipes, Vatican Cardinals left the Sistine Chapel stoned today. Many uttered the new age benediction, "That's some good sh*t," as they walked into holy walls and tripped over each others' robes."
- Cardinals Limbaugh and Bono Were Among Those Who Might Have Become Pope
- "Cardinal Bono of Ireland is considered something of a rock star among the Cardinals and has great appeal to young people. He had the advantage among the liberal Cardinals of having shown a commitment to world's poor, and also in knowing many world leaders. However, he often wore non-traditional clothing and played loud music which interfered with other Cardinals saying the rosary or watching TV."
- U.N. Concerned Over Plummeting Terrorist Life Expectancies
- "The U.N. issued a "stern warning" yesterday to the United States over falling terrorist life expectancies, according to U.N. insiders. The warning was the result of a U.N. study that showed the average terrorist has a life expectancy of 26.3 years, nearly ten years younger than the pre-9/11 era."
- Japan's PM apologizes for war atrocities against Godzilla
- "Godzilla screams in agony as the Japanese troops ruthlessly spray him with a rain of fire and exploding bombs. Fact or Friction? Unfortunately, it now appears from Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi apologies on Friday for the "tremendous damage and suffering to Godzilla" caused by Japan's wartime past in an apparent effort to help douse a flaming row with China, that the Japanese did cause unbearable suffering to Godzilla."
- Bush Sweetens Road Map Deal With Coupons
- "In a bid to gain more local support for his "road map" to peace in Israel, President Bush announced at a press conference late Saturday that the U.S. would include valuable cents-off coupons to all civilians who buy-in to the idea."
- Tony Blair's Mysterious Tan Not An Aberration
- "The strange, overnight change in colors witnessed on the complexion of British Prime Minister Tony Blair is, oddly enough, not a new phenomenon in political life. In fact, politicians have been changing colors for a long, long time before our eyes. The following are just some recent examples of public figures whose features have undergone sudden, unexpected alterations."
- Tom DeLay Hospitalized with Acute Irony
- "Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Texas) was rushed to a local Washington D.C. hospital to undergo emergency surgery to his skeletal system. The representative was stricken with a case of Dramatic Irony when it was learned that in 1988 his father had had his feeding tube removed with his consent and been allowed to die after being in a similiar vegetative state as Terry Schiavo, the woman who's life DeLay was trying to prolong despite the wishes of her husband."
Science and Technology
- New Food Pyramid to Better Reflect US Eating Habits
- "Faced with an out of control national obesity crisis, the United States Agriculture Department is radically revamping the Food Pyramid to better reflect US eating habits. Foremost among changes are the addition of Coke and Pizza groups and the consolidation of fruits, vegetables and necessary fibers into a single “healthy stuff” group."
- Shuttle Launch Delayed
- "NASA have announced that the forthcoming launch of the space shuttle Titanic has been delayed due to technical problems and the crew of 7 have been stood down and sent back to their barracks. The latest delay is the latest in a series which has dogged the launch. Three weeks ago it was taken to Quik Fit after the clutch started slipping and it was discovered there was a head gasket leak and a blowing manifold."
Business
- Life in Canada overrated say business leaders
- " Life in Canada is superfluous according to a comprehensive survey of Canada's corporate crème de la crème. The new poll, which was conducted by the Business Church of Self-Interest (BCSI), yielded some surprising results. Canada's leading CEOs-- whether of leading multinational branch plants or the big five national banks-- felt that the Canadian population was at best revenue neutral and may even be damaging our economic potential."
- Women, Minorities Still Underperforming
Statistics Show Disadvantaged Groups Continue To Drop The Ball
- "Women and ethnic minorities in the United States are still lagging far behind white males in terms of job performance and academic achievement, civil rights groups say."
- Qwest wins bid for MCI
Paul McCartney tickets did the trick
- "Denver-Qwest Communications (NYSE: Q) has stubbornly refused to drop its bid to take over MCI. Mr. Heywood Jablowmi, CFO of Qwest, carried out his quarterly conference call today with investors, fund managers and business reporters."
Sports
- God Relents To Ronan Tynan’s Repeated Demands That He Bless America
- "Forced to listen to Ronan Tynan sing “God Bless America” at Yankees games for nearly four years now, God finally relented to the Irish tenor’s demands today, saying He will bless America as long as Tynan stops with the singing."
- Muslim Kicker With 'Cannon For A Leg' Detained, To Miss NFL Draft
- "A Muslim kicker who's been described by NFL scouts as having "a cannon for a leg" was detained yesterday by U.S. marshals, sources said today. Azwan al-Kickemfari, who holds the NCAA Division III record with a 62-yard field goal, was arrested while packing for his trip to New York, where the annual draft is held."
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- Lalo Guerrero
1916-2005
- "A giant of Chicano culture has passed- a friend of Pocho Magazine: the great Lalo Guerrero. Lalo died March 18th, 2005, but left a vast legacy in music and comedy... Lalo was responsible for creating many memorable parody songs, including “Tacos for Two,” “Elvis Perez,” “Pancho Claus” and “No Chicanos on TV.” "
- Protests Increase Outside Breast Reduction Clinic
Heterosexual Men Are All Opposed to Breast Reduction
- "Protest groups in front of a breast reduction clinic have been swelling in size in recent weeks. Hundreds of men who are "pro-breast" have been lining up with signs and banners decrying the elective surgery. They are challenging the recent court decision allowing a woman the right to choose to reduce the size of her breasts."
Cartoons
- Reverse Revolution
- Mark Fiore animation
- Press Conference
- Ted Rall 'toon
- Network News Is Dead
- Wayne Stayskal 'toon
- Bankruptcy Bill
- Dan Wasserman 'toon
- Identity Theft
- Mike Luckovich 'toon
- Guarding the Net
- Chuck Asay 'toon
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