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For Real Quote of the Week:
"We strongly urge the FDA not to approve silicone gel breast implants."
"Choice? The choice is to be sick."
National Organization for Women President Kim Gandy
taking an anti-choice position on breast implants (so much for "our bodies, our choice")
Special Reports
- No special reports this week since we are busy enjoying "Poke Ann Coulter Week" here at Crackers.
World News
- Bush Puts the Moves on Saudi Prince
- "Holding hands with his special friend Prince Abdullah, President Bush said today he tried everything to get the bashful Saudi monarch to drop the price of oil -- from flowers and chocolates to butterfly kisses and promises of geopolitical favors. But don't expect Bush's wooing to pay off at the pump. Despite charming him with pickup truck rides and brush-clearing lessons, sources say the president couldn't even get to second base with the sexy Saudi."
- An Open Letter from Tony Blair
- "Being Prime Minister is a tough job; it needs a tough man to make tough decisions. And that's what I am. You may not like me, you may consider my entire being an affront to your notions of the Labour Party, democracy, integrity... whatever. That's not important. I'm in charge, and I think I've done rather well. Sure I've made mistakes, who doesn't?"
- Is Jeff Gannon Really Ann Coulter?
- "Bloggers have set the internet on fire this week with reports regarding the former White House reporter Jeff Gannon and the possibility that he is actually famed right-wing columnist Ann Coulter. Speculation has reached such proportions that a heavily financed Leftwing website has offered a $10,000 reward for any proof that these two "individuals" have been seen at the same place, at the same time. "
- Bush Unveils New Social Security Plan
- "Under the new plan, instead of Americans investing a large percentage of savings in personal accounts and the stock market, that money will instead be diverted into 'lottery accounts.' In these lottery accounts the funds will be distributed across Quick Picks, Cash 4 Life, and Powerball tickets."
- Hillary Clinton Rallies to Outlaw Daydreaming
- "Daydreams have no controls, no warning labels. Children can just think of anything they want. We cannot have that."
- Bin Laden Surfaces, Was on the Run from Wedding for Past Four Years
World’s Most Wanted Man a Runaway Bridegroom, He Tearfully Admits
- "Al-qaeda terror mastermind Osama bin Laden surfaced today at a bus station in Peshwar, Pakistan, where he revealed that he has been on the run from an impending wedding for the past four years. A tearful Mr. bin Laden admitted that he had been moving from location to location in the mountainous region on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan not to elude authorities, as most had assumed, but rather to avoid a wedding to a fifth wife originally scheduled for May 2001."
Science and Technology
- Scientist Invents the Daylight Saving Time Machine
- "The professor needed to come up with a time-saving solution for his punctuality problems, as he was frustrated with the world's concept of "saving daylight". He lobbied, without success, to abolish the government's ridiculous time-changing policy, because the amount of time that one would spend adjusting every clock, watch, and timer in the home would always take more than the hour gained."
- Shuttle Chief Denies Safety Standards Lowered
Chief: 'They can't be any lower.'
- "Internal NASA documents obtained by The Daily Farce News suggests that NASA has indeed lowered their safety standards. Below is a revised shortened checklist prior to launch that astronauts go through. The list used to have over 500 items to be checked; now it is only 5 items long."
Business
- Vatican Spins Off U.S. Catholic Church
- "In one of his first official moves, Pope Benedict XVI today announced that the Vatican would 'spin off' the U.S. division of the Roman Catholic church, but retain a 49-percent stake in the new entity, called R.C. Lite. The partial divestiture of its holy-owned subsidiary comes as a new CNN poll reveals that 74 percent of U.S. Catholics say they're more likely to follow their own conscience than the teachings of the church."
- Identity Thief Returns Identities Deemed Worthless
‘Losers,’ Fumes Angry Hacker
- "In San Diego, at the annual convention of the National Association of Hackers and Identity Thieves, some of the nation’s most prominent cyberthieves complained about what they called a serious decline in the number of identities worth stealing. They called out for financial institutions to institute measures that would warn or “tag” particularly worthless identities, enabling hackers to focus their energies elsewhere."
Sports
- Mothers Want Changes to Football
- "Member of the group Mothers Object to Football Offensiveness (MOFO) presented a petition to Parliament on Thursday asking for tighter controls over the content of football broadcasts. A spokesman unveiled some of their requests. "We would like to see more disciplinary action for a footballer swearing or fighting during the course of a match. There are a number of options. If red cards don't work, then multiple match suspensions may help. If not, community service, short prison sentences or compulsory military service may let these men know we are serious." It has also been suggested that the police and security services should have the power to arrest anyone suspected of being a footballer in possession of bad language, and held without charge until they swear their innocence and give themselves away."
- Lacrosse the Fastest Growing Sport Among Rich, Snotty, White People
- "In a nine-page feature story in the most recent issue of ‘Sports Illustrated,’ the fringe sport of lacrosse was hailed for the dramatic growth it’s enjoyed in just a few years – going from being played only by rich, snotty, white people who live in the affluent Maryland and New England suburbs, to now include participation by rich, snotty, white people in other parts of the country."
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- Rock Star Bono Plucks Out Own Eye For Blind Child
- "Rock superstar Bono gave new meaning to the song title "Sunday Bloody Sunday" when, after meeting a blind African child, he plucked his own left eye from it's socket in front of villagers and reporters in this impoverished African village. When handed the blood-drenched eye, the obviously hungry and malnourished child thought it was a morsel of food and immediately popped it into his mouth and began to chew. "
- Dad Makes Good on Threat, Turns Car Around, Goes Home
- "Pushed to the brink of reason, Dad made good on his threat to turn the car around and go right back home yesterday, terminating the family trip two days before its scheduled end. Reaction from Mom and the kids was muted, yet relief was evident."
- Ann Coulter to Play Darth Vader in Star Wars Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
Hayden Christensen Is Just Not Mean Enough
- "Unconfirmed sources report that Star Wars: Episode III is under going massive re-shooting as George Lucas has decided Hayden Christensen is too much of a whip to play the young Darth Vader. Our Hollywood sources indicate TV personality Ann Coulter has landed the job."
- Separation of Church and State Vanishes, Replaced by New Entity Called Sturch
Will Offer Salvation, Motor Vehicle Renewals on Sunday
- "The separation of church and state, long considered a hallmark of American democracy, vanished early Sunday morning, replaced by a new institution called sturch. Scientists at the Clausen Observatory at the University of Minnesota, who for years have been monitoring a widening hole in the wall separating church and state, said that the wall disappeared entirely on Sunday morning shortly after 8:00 (EST)."
- A Woman Leads Prayers? What's Left of Muslim Men's Dignity?
- "On Friday March 18, 2005, something interesting happened. Amina Wadud, a professor of Islamic studies at Virginia Commonwealth University, led an Islamic prayer service before a congregation of 100 Muslim men and women at Synod House at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in Manhattan. As expected, a few hours later, all hell broke loose. The imam of a London mosque declared the practice against Islam. A woman should never lead prayers, he elaborated, because during the menstrual cycle, there is always the possibility of an accident during the service: if a man happens to glance at the female imam's behind and spots blood, then the gates of heaven will forever be shut to the poor chump."
Cartoons
- Pyramids
- Mark Fiore animation
- Don't Leave the White House without It
- Ann Telnaes 'toon
- Coulter
- Ted Rall 'toon
- Scapegoats
- Dan Wasserman 'toon
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