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For Real Quote of the Week:
"We have to be strong. My attitude is I've got to have more orgasms to get through these times. It's the only antidote to violence."
Ellen Friedrichs, sex educator based in New York City
Special Reports
- Segregation Making Global Comeback
- "The trend of segragating undesirables from their would-be victims is piquing interest around the globe."
World News
- Iraq WMD Final Report
Shocking Evidence Found!
- "Duelfer the CIAs top weapons inspector explained the device they found was an Ionic Breeze Quadra Silent Air Purifier® Model #SI637SNX. The Iraq Survey Group found the device was devilishly modified by removing the grounding wire from the Three prong cord and connected to a 220 volt circuit... Richard Thalheimer, Sharper Image founder, chairman and chief executive officer claims the sale of the Model #SI637SNX Ionic Breeze Quadra Silent Air Purifier® to Iraq was legal under the United Nations Cash, Guns, Kickbacks, and Food for Oil Program."
- World's Population Almost Entirely Infidel, Study Says
- "The overwhelming majority of the world's people are infidels, according to a new study by The Demographics Group, Inc... Non-infidels include al-Qaeda, remnants of Afghanistan's ousted Taliban leaders, head-hacking insurgents in Iraq, and various other Muslim misfits scattered throughout the world."
- Homophobic Countries Now Reconsider Relationship with U.S.
- "Last month President George W Bush and Abdullah met for several hours at the President's ranch in Texas... During the meeting, many photographers caught the two leaders holding hands."
- VD Outbreak Plagues Parliament Hill
Political Bedhopping Blamed
- "Dozens of Members of Parliament representing each of the four parties in the House of Commons have been diagnosed with a variety of sexually transmitted diseases in the past week, thehammer.ca has learned."
- Senators Ponder Nuclear Option; John Bolton Given Norelco Option
- "Bolton's fiery personality and bushy moustache are considered "two major strikes" against his chances of becoming the next U.S. ambassador to the United Nations."
- V-E Day, 60th Anniversary
Swarms of Young Backpacking Canadians Descend Upon Netherlands for Free Booze
- "Seven thousand six hundred Canadians gave their lives for the liberation of the Netherlands from Nazi occupation in the Second World War. To this day, the Dutch people, both young and old, remain very knowledgeable and very appreciative of the sacrifice made by Canadian troops during that dark chapter in history. But now, as the 60th Anniversary of V-E Day arrives, the Dutch countryside is being overrun by 20-something Canadians 'finding themselves' on sojourns across Europe and expecting free beer just because they're Canadian."
- California Senate Considers Grocery Clerks' Conscience Clause
- "Grocery Clerks for Life (GCL) began lobbying for the bill last year after a California grocery chain fired a clerk for refusing to sell a female college student canned albacore for emergency consumption, also known as "Plan B" or the "Morning-After Fish." Nor would the clerk refer the customer to a colleague."
- Labour Victory Heralds Sith Takeover of Britain
- "When questioned by surviving reporters about his new policies Emperor Blair revealed his desire to have a Minister for a galaxy far, far away and to do away with Good, Jedi Knights and healthy school meals for children."
- Pentagon Leak- New Dinosaur Means the US Military Could Handle Another War?
- "Larry Franklin, 58, Kearneysville, W.Va., a Pentagon analyst has leaked documents and scientific papers that show the US military could soon benefit from an enhanced military capability – home grown dinosaurs ready to fight any conflict anywhere in the world. Unfortunately, he leaked them to a pro-Israeli group and this has led to his immediate arrest on the charge of treason."
- Kim Jong-Il Fires Michael Jackson into Sea of Japan
Last-ditch Attempt to Grab World Headlines
- "Mr. Jackson, strapped to the side of a short-range ballistic missile, was launched at approximately 8:00 AM and splashed down in the Sea of Japan twelve minutes later. According to an aide to Mr. Kim, the mercurial North Korean madman was “furious” after U.S. newspapers and cable news channels virtually ignored his missile launch over the weekend to cover the “runaway bride” story instead. "
- Italian Bigotry Exposed in Checkpoint Shooting
- "An Italian government investigation into the shooting death of agent Nicola Calipari and the wounding of freed hostage journalist Giuliana Sgrena has sharply disagreed with an American military report regarding the same incident. While the United States has determined that troops manning an impromptu checkpoint on Baghdad's notorious Airport Road did everything they were supposed to in order to avoid any inadvertent tragedies, the Italian investigation suggested that it would have been a good idea if the soldiers would have just turned on a fucking light before they began shooting."
Science and Technology
- Solar System Much Like Ours
May Contain Similar A-holes
- "After 15 years of searching the cosmos, astronomers announced last week the discovery of an extrasolar planet whose size, orbit, and distance from its star are akin to those of Jupiter, making this the first solar system found that resembles our own in any significant way. These similarities have brought sky watchers hope of finding a planet like ours. Though experts warn, it would probably be packed with the same sort of assholes found on Earth."
Business
- Time-Warner Acquires Tony Hawk
- "The acquisition includes Tony Hawk merchandising rights, all of Tony Hawk's property including vehicles and real estate, and Tony Hawk's personal soul. Bidding for Tony Hawk's soul reached nearly $600,000 on Ebay last year before site administrators cancelled the auction due to violations of terms of use."
- FedEx to Give Free Rides to All Members of Congress
New Congrachair Travel Container Will Have Lamp, Lap Desk
- "Federal Express says it will begin offering free transportation for any member of Congress to any address where FedEx delivers a package. A congressman wishing to use the service need only report to a FedEx store or a collection box with a completed waybill and his or her congressional I.D. card."
- Frito Bandito Busted on Immigration Charges
- "Immigration officials say they arrested the Frito Bandito at the Mexican border today trying to transport an 18-wheeler full of illegal aliens to a corn chip-processing facility in Chula Vista, California."
Sports
- Curt Schilling Probably the Most Annoying Guy on Entire Message Board
- "With more free time now that he’s on the disabled list, Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling has spent numerous hours in the past weeks posting on the various websites, message boards and chat rooms he visits under the name “gehrig38,” quickly reestablishing his status as the dumbest and most annoying guy on each board – if not the entire Internet."
- Jason Williams to Rid Himself of His Slave Name
- "Williams said his early choices for an African name are Biggie Tupac or Tupac Biggie, or maybe even Slim Shady McBiggie Von Tupacsteen."
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- 54th Miss Objectified Crowned
- "It is a hard time for beauty pageants as they struggle to regain the prominence they have enjoyed in the past. Experts often suggest that cable television and fashion magazines have taken the place of the beauty pageant as corporate America's favored tools of female subjugation. Donald Trump and NBC, co-owners of the Miss USA pageant, are working tirelessly to make sure beauty pageants do not become just another antiquated means of gender based oppression."
- Study: Some Star Wars Fans Have Sex
New Data Confounds Conventional Wisdom
- "Dr. Davis Preedon, who supervised the study for the University of Minnesota, said that while sexually active “Star Wars” fans still represent a tiny minority of the fan base, the fact that any “Star Wars” fans at all have sex may force scientists to reevaluate their theories about this little-understood population."
Cartoons
- This Modern World
The Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy
- Tom Tomorrow 'toon
- Religious Bais in the Media
- Ted Rall 'toon
- Kansas Board of Education
- Chan Lowe 'toon
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