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For Real Quote of the Week:
"What does ethics have anything to do with professional reporting and journalism?"
Fuat Kircaali, CEO of Sys-Con Media and publisher of several computer magazines
Special Reports
- National Security Advisor Fields Questions on Real ID
Citizens need to trust government to get it right
- "Under the Real ID Act, acceptable identification to be used for official Federal purposes (such as private transactions between an individual and a financial institution, an individual and his healthcare provider, or an individual and a private air carrier) would have to meet certain standards. Such standards include the identified's full name, date of birth, gender, license number, a digital photograph, address, signature, physical security features and machine readable technology. A small matrix of compartments would be included on the identification card containing such biological identifiers as a swab sample from inside the cheek, a drop of blood, urine and feces samples, and small wad of gum chewed by the card holder containing at least one complete tooth imprint."
- More Than Half of Adult Men in United States Are Insane
Experts recommend mandatory treatment for men in relationships
- "According to the United States Census Bureau, more than half of adult men in the United States are married. The number rises if men who are not married but are living with a woman are included. Mental health expert Dr. Maxwell L. Davis believes that they are mentally incompetent."
- Segregation Making Global Comeback
- "The trend of segragating undesirables from their would-be victims is piquing interest around the globe."
World News
- Central Asian Nation Uses Singing Contest to Elect President
- "The obscure nation of Alzbectizan has used a televised singing contest to elect its president. The new leader of the country’s ten million inhabitants is Oermar Poluiran, a twenty-five year old Micael Jackson enthusiast from the capital, Tzashkist. He was inaugurated minutes after it was announced he was the winner, then performed ‘Beat It’ in his presidential robes."
- Commons Restaurant Told To Remove Duck From Menu
- "Tony Blair has used a rare executive privilege to ban items off the Commons restaurant menu. Not since the 1950's has the power been used. Our investigation suggests the reason for the move was that chefs were about to introduce L'ame Duck, a Ukrainian speciality, which includes truffles and shallots, onto the standard menu for the rest of the year."
- Homeland Security Issues
'Bad Luck' Alert for Friday 13th
- "The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck" advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves with rabbits' feet and four-leaf clovers. The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and uncooperative."
- Bin Laden Evades Capture in a New Jersey Convenience Store
- "In a shock development, it was revealed today that Osama Bin Laden, Terrorist and most wanted man in the world, has been quietly working in a New Jersey Seven-Eleven for almost two years. The son of a Saudi Billionaire and nefarious leader of Al Qaeda narrowly escaped capture after he was recognised by an off-duty CIA operative purchasing a Slurpee."
- Bush Diary
Laura Makes Jokes, But Says She Wasn’t Joking
- "Dear Jernal,
Everybody laffed when Laura told jokes about me at the White House Corryspondants Assohseeayshon Dinner. Chainman says they weren’t laffhing at me, they were laffing with me. Phew, that’s a relief!"
- United Nation's To Back Plans To Make 'April Fools Day' A Whole Month in 2006
- "With April Fools Day always falling on April 1st every year it has lost that essential element of surprise."
- Rumsfeld Upgrades Iraq from Quagmire to Morass
Situation Disastrous But Not Catastrophic, Defense Sec’y Says
- "Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld told reporters at the Pentagon today that the conflict in Iraq had improved to the point that it could no longer be considered a quagmire and should now be thought of as a morass."
- Scandal Prompts Army Recruiting Down Day
- "There is a little known and unenforced requirement for illegal immigrants to register for the draft. A pilot program would set up a draft board and induction center in Douglas, AZ. The Border Patrol would include Selective Service registration cards in the paperwork illegal border crossers fill out after being caught."
- Missing Iraq WMD Is Pope John Paul's Miracle
- "Just hours after announcing that Pope John Paul II has been put on the fast track to sainthood, the Vatican has revealed his first miracle. After weeks of poring over the late pontiff's diary in search of a miraculous act, church officials now say that Pope John Paul II, or JP2 as the kids like to call him, used the power of prayer to make Saddam Hussein's infamous weapons of mass destruction disappear. "
Science and Technology
- Shuffle Craze Hits Other Tech Gadgets
- "First to the market was the Nokia Shuffle, a cell phone that can have phone numbers programmed into it, but no way to select which number you call at a given time. Following Nokia into the fray was Microsoft. Windows Shuffle is an OS that randomly chooses a program for the user to work with, providing no function to let the user toggle between programs."
Business
- Derby Winner Launches Fragrance
Horse-based Scent Hits Cosmetic Counters Friday
- "This year’s Kentucky Derby winner, the 50-1 long-shot known as Giacomo, made history again today by becoming the first winner of the storied race to launch his own celebrity fragrance, set to hit stores this Friday. Accompanied by his publicist and a phalanx of marketing advisors, Giacomo unveiled the new fragrance, called Whoa by Giacomo, at New York City’s legendary Bloomingdale’s department store."
- Armani Launches New Rally-Wear Line
- "Italian couturier Giorgio Armani has decided to launch a new clothing line specifically for protests and rallies. The designer, whose other collections include ready-to-wear, eye wear, fragrances, and home accessories, was inspired by the clothes worn in international rallies against United States President George W. Bush's re-election."
- Obese Rabbit Sues McDonalds
- "A Rabbit that lived on McDonald's new salad menu is to sue the American Multinational for making him obese. Ryan McRabbit, a vegetarian from Dublin's posh southside was thrilled with the introduction of the new healthy option menu at his local McDonalds. Having eaten organic vegtables his whole life, he decided to give the new healthy option a go. However, after thirty days of non-stop McDonalds, McRabbit is feeling the after effects."
Sports
- Flat-Chested Sorenstam Only a Perky Set of C-Cups Away from Superstardom
- "Despite being perhaps the most dominant female athlete of all-time, LPGA golfer Annika Sorenstam will likely never achieve the worldwide superstar status like that of former tennis player Anna Kournikova and others. And it’s all because of her small boobies."
- Steinbrenner Has Kevin Brown Turned Into Glue, Bellamy Road Sent to Minors in Embarrassing Clerical Mixup
- "George Steinbrenner, owner of both the New York Yankees and failed Kentucky Derby favorite Bellamy Road, announced through embarrassed chuckles this week that, due to a clerical error on Sunday, Bellamy Road was sent down to the minor leagues while Yankees pitcher Kevin Brown was shipped off to a glue factory."
- Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton Protest NBA MVP Voting
- "Another case of the black man -- in this case, Shaquille O'Neal -- being kept down. Do you realize that white men have now won four out of the last 22 MVP awards? When will it end?"
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- Dusting- Why Does One Bother?
Bachelor Tips from Barry Onmione
- "When you lived at home, you always noticed your mother sweeping gracefully through the rooms with a feather duster in her hand, waving it about like a magical pixie in a dance marathon. Mom's deft handling of the feathered rod was impressive, and you knew that you would never be able to duplicate her moves. But now that you're on your own, a single individual with a single's living pad, you realize that you never really understood how dust accumulates so fast, and how it is really futile to even try to combat the never-ending rain of particles."
- Putting the Leash on Child Choker Chains
Parents Must Learn to Use Restraint
- "When you're shopping in the mall, strolling through the park, or visiting at the zoo, it can be difficult to control a wandering child. Roaming children can be a danger to themselves when not completely supervised, a difficult task when a parent is distracted with their own mind-consuming errands. Child choker chains are one solution that has proven to be an effective means of controlling children's wandering behaviour, teaching them to respond to the soft pull of a leash. But many decry the use of child chokers, stating that the practice is inhumane and harmful to children. Opponents say that the chains should be outlawed before children really get choked."
Cartoons
- Broadcasting
- Mark Fiore animation
- Texas Cheerleading
- Walt Handelsman 'toon
- This Modern World
Sparky T. Penguin, private eye
- Tom Tomorrow 'toon
- Too Much Coffee Man
- Shannon Wheeler 'toon
- Underground Economy
- Gary Varvel 'toon
- Stretched Thin
- Dana Summers 'toon
- Is This a Great Country or What?
- Chuck Asay 'toon
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