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For Real Quote of the Week:
"We have a responsibility to build a more peaceful world. And we know that by extending liberty to millions who have not known it, we will advance the cause of freedom, and the cause of peace."
George W. Bush, who has so far started two foreign wars and the hallmark of whose reign has been a noxious disdain for freedom
Special Reports
- Crackers Stops Stealing Links, Appoints New Cartoon Editor
Shame Not a Factor in Editorial Appointment
- "I have the pleasure of introducing this week a new Crackers Cartoon Editor. Ms. Wendy McElroy has been posting links to editorial cartoons in her blog for some time now. That has been great for me because by the time I get down to the cartoon section, I am so sick of looking for material that I've gotten into the habit of going over to her blog and just copying and pasting from her cartoon posts."
- Sensenbrenner's Legislation Generated by Prank Computer Program
Interns Only Responsible for This Year's Legislation; Had Nothing to Do with Previous Legislation
- "Astonished by political gamesmanship and blatant disregard for the highest law of the land in Washington, D.C., three of Rep. F. James Sensenbrenner's (R-WI) college interns devised a prank software program that deliberately churned out unconsitutional legislative garbage which they fed up the staff chain to the Senator for implementation on a national level. Their fake legislation was intended to show that Congressional staffers and Congresspersons have absolutely no minimum standards for the legislation they will pass."
- Bush, Cheney Gear Up for Real ID Summer Roadshow
Up with People with Real ID
- "President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are reportedly rehearsing daily for a whirlwind, multi-city tour this summer promoting the recently approved Real ID legislation. The roadshow- dubbed "Up with People with Real ID"- will have a largely musical format to appeal to summer concertgoers who can't afford real entertainment."
World News
- Air Force to Bush: We Want a Death Star
- "After attending a sneak preview of "Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith", U.S. Air Force officials were more than inspired by the Lucasfilms' pioneering special effects. They were patriotically urged to revive old ties to the oft-trashed Regan-era "Star Wars" defense plans. As soon as the private screening was over, Air Force command rushed to contact the White House and seek President Bush's approval on a national security directive that would force the United States into placing offensive and defensive weapons in space."
- Bush Vows Revenge Against Sith
Bashes Fictitious Foes In Nationally Televised Address
- "Amid reports that the new “Star Wars” film contains not-so-subtle anti-Bush messages, President George W. Bush today took to the national airwaves to vow revenge against the Sith. Speaking from the Oval Office in the nationally televised address, the president portrayed the U.S.’s conflict with the Sith as a classic struggle between good and evil. "
- Saddam Hussein Photo - Al Jazeera Hits Back
- "After a near nude photograph of Saddam Hussein washing his socks in his prison cell appeared on the front page of that revered British tabloid “The Sun”, Arab TV station Al Jazeera, not to be outdone, aired across the Middle East what they claimed was an absolutely genuine shot of US president George W. Bush dressed up in women’s lingerie during what they said was one of the regular Friday afternoon booze ups at the Whitehouse."
- Vive la France!
- "France's population is growing much faster than expected and could reach 75 million by mid-century, in an ongoing attempt to irritate all Americans."
- Newsweek Shatters Bond of Trust Between George W. Bush and Arab World
- "Last week Newsweek magazine broke and later retracted a story about American servicemen defacing a Quran while torturing Iraqi detainees. The Bush administration tried to contain the damage caused by the story, but its efforts have been in vain. The trust between George W. Bush and the Arab street has been irrevocably broken."
- George W. Bush Signs Quran Protection Act and Blasts Newsweek
- "The Quran Protection Act makes it illegal to deface the Koran in any way. The Quran must not be burned, folded, spindled, mutilated, or flushed down the can. The law also forbids the simulated, depicted, or implied destruction of the Quran in any media format. The penalties for violating the law are very severe and can include indefinite internment at Guantanamo Bay."
- Blair to Appoint Minister for Frightening People
- "Tony Blair has been so pleased with the public response to recent government warnings that he has announced the creation of a new Cabinet post, The Minister of State for Scare Tactics."
- Lawmakers Move to Protect Domestic Torture Industry
- "A few members of Congress are taking a principled stand in defense of American labor. The "Torture Outsourcing Prevention Act" aims to stop transfer of suspects to countries with records of torture."
- Military Base Closures and Consolidations to Result in 51st State, "Rumsfeldia"
- "Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today announced plans to close all existing military bases and consolidate them into a single "megabase" in the southwestern part of the United States. "
- Bill of Rights Updated for the 21st Century
- "President Bush recently announced that a commission headed by former US Attorney General John Ashcroft updated the Bill of Rights to reflect modern life... The basic package starts at 15% of gross income monthly....but citizens will be given the option to upgrade to a “gold” package for only 5% more. Those who do not pay their bills within 15 days of the due date may have their Bill of Rights disconnected at any time."
- Geriatrics Conquer Europe
Economic impact of aging
- "By 2025, one in five Europeans will be more than 65 years old, with the majority of males wearing loud pants and elderly women housing an obscene number of cats. Across the continent, the number of working-age citizens will stagnate (or shrink) while the number of retirees explodes. Initial studies have confirmed only the cumulative number of retired people, and not the retirees themselves, will explode."
Science and Technology
- FDA Bans Gay Sperm Donations
- "Now that science has verified the existence of the dread 'gay gene,' we don't want to have perfectly normal families suddenly hatching homosexual children by mistake."
- Man Accidentally Becomes Common Law Mac User
- "He was all bummed out. I know he got really burned by a Sun laptop in the early nineties and swore off ever sticking with a computer long enough to be "official". I guess he just didn't realize how much time had gone by."
Business
- Toilet Manufacturer To Introduce Koran-Accommodating Islamoflusher
- "An American toilet manufacturer is currently designing a new model that will "flush the bulkiest of Korans," sources said yesterday. A spokesman for Krap King, Inc. said the company would have the new "Islamoflusher" model in stores for the spring, when Americans do their most flushing – sacred religious texts included. "
- Dick Cheney Found in Bowl of Wendy’s Chili
- "A woman claims she bit into the head of Vice-President Dick Cheney in a bowl of Wendy’s chili on Monday, sparking a series of apologies by the fast-food chain and forcing the evacuation of the White House and other key government buildings in Washington, DC. "
Sports
- Plastic Bracelet Sold to Raise Money for the Fight Against the Spread of Plastic Bracelets
- "We have reports from all across the country of people young and old not being able to bend their arms because they have these stupid bracelets piled on top of each other from their wrists all the way up to their shoulders. It’s ridiculous. And outside of the yellow Lance Armstrong bracelets for cancer, no one even knows what any of the other colors mean."
- Annika Sorenstam Wins Tournament She Completely Forgot She Entered
- "Golfer Annika Sorenstam notched her 60th career LPGA victory Sunday in the Chick-fil-A Charity Championship, a tournament she had no idea she was actually playing in. "This is really a thrill to get to this milestone," said Sorenstam, who won the tournament by 10 strokes while playing what she thought were four leisurely practice rounds."
- Miami Heat Team Plane Crashes Under Weight of Shaquille O'Neal's "Original Whizzinator"
- "The Whizzinator -- a device made famous by Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith, who was caught with one at an airport last month -- is essentially a prosthetic penis attached to a plastic bag, and is used to circumvent drug tests. Like Smith, O'Neal apparently forgot his Whizzinator in his carry-on luggage, and the Heat team plane could not withstand the prodigious bulk."
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- Nation Drags Itself To Last Star Wars Movie
Millions Of Moviegoers Line Up To Get The Magic Over With
- "Resigned to the inevitability of feeling the Force one last time, a beaten and weary nation this week began dragging itself to the sixth and final Star Wars movie, as the film opened in theaters nationwide."
- Lucas Strikes Back
32 Additional Star Wars Movies Announced
- "Citing insufficient assets and his desire to give back to his loyal fans, George Lucas, the true super hero behind the Star Wars movie empire, announced today that he would release 32 additional Star Wars movies over the next 96 years."
- Star Wars Chewbacca Costumes, Plastic Light Sabers Called "Best Tools" For Abstinence
- "Nobody has done more to prevent people from having sex than George Lucas."
Cartoons
-Wendy McElroy, Cartoon Editor
- Growing Pains
- Mark Fiore animation
- Store Wars
- Organic Trade Association animation
- Patriot Act ID
- Paul Conrad 'toon
- Polishing the Tarnish
- Clay Bennett 'toon
- On the Issues
- Ted Rall 'toon
- What It Really, Really Is
- M. E. Cohen 'toon
- Chalabi Appointed Iraqi Oil Minister
- Jeff Danziger 'toon
- United's Thank You
- Chuck Asay 'toon
- Visible on the Radar
- Chip Bok 'toon
- False Alarm
- Walt Handelsman 'toon
- Pitching In
- Gary Varvel 'toon
- Newsweek- A Parable
- John de Rosier 'toon
- Second Thoughts
- Dana Summers 'toon
- A Thank You Gift
- Dan Wasserman 'toon
- Curing Boredom
- Drew Sheneman 'toon
- This Modern World
War on Rationality
- Tom Tomorrow 'toon
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