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For Real Quote of the Week:
"If you've retired, you don't have anything to worry about. The third time I've said that. I'll probably say it three more times, see, in my line of work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kinda catapult the propaganda."
George W. Bush, explaining how to shove propaganda down peoples' throats
World News
- Arabs Cancel Newsweek Subscriptions, But Will Miss Anna Quindlen’s Column
- "Millions of screaming Muslims took to the streets across the Middle East to announce they are canceling their Newsweek subscriptions in the wake of the KoranGate scandal."
- Al Qaeda Believed Responsible For Suspicious Bag Of Garbage
- "A suspicious bag of garbage caused the Brooklyn Bridge leading into New York City to be closed for most of the day Sunday as officials examined the bag out of fear it was a bomb."
- Extremely Well-Hung Saddam Sought by Advertisers to Model Men’s Briefs
- "World reaction to the publication of a photo of Saddam Hussein clad only in his briefs reached a fevered pitch this week. While Western advertisers desperately sought to sign the very well endowed Saddam for boxer ads, the United Nations on the other hand called for a full investigation of the incident."
- Al Jazeerah Claims Saddam Underpants Photo a Fake, Releases “Authentic” Version
- "Saddam is not a flabby old man, he is a young God with washboard abs! He did not subdue the Shiites and Kurds by eating, but by fighting! Fighting for his people keeps him lean!"
- 'Happy Hour' To Be Renamed 'Dour Hour'
- "Pubs in London are to be encouraged to introduce dirge music, funeral clothing and bar staff who are too busy taking personal calls on their mobiles to serve during hours previously designated as Happy Hour, under new drinking rules, or so they tell us."
- Beantown Buzzing with Bono Banter
- "Back in March, Bono met with former deputy defense secretary and current World Bank head Paul Wolfowitz. Bono, the only rock official whose name was "bandied about" for the World Bank post, pushed the Wolf Man to feed some cash to food agencies and the Wolfinator gave Bono an idea for hit a song about how great the war is going in Iraq."
- McCain Delivers Nuclear Option Standdown
- "Vice President Dick Cheney and Sen. Bill Frist were savoring the chance to launch the nuclear option so they could look presidential, albeit in a third world despot kind of way. Sen. John McCain upstaged them by announcing a compromise agreement on judicial nominations. Al Gore's crew from Current had just polished off six pizzas when the news broke. Here are excerpts from the transcript of their coverage."
- ID Cards to Be Offered in Three Levels
- "ID Platinum will feature TonyPoints."
Science and Technology
- Geezer Sex, Viagra, and Pre-Marital Sex Cause Blindness, Duh!
- "Unconfirmed sources report the GCMA has released a study linking certain sexual activities to blindness. The Good Christian Mothers Association report titled "The Dangers of Sex" found that many sexual activities once considered safe are actually very dangerous and can cause blindness, unwanted hair growth and other more serious side effects."
Business
- Microsoft Announces Alliance With HadesTech
- "Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates today announced that talks with his counterpart Lucifer of HadesTech had concluded in long term strategic alliance agreement. The “underground” talks concluded in less than a week, and both parties are reportedly extremely satisfied."
- Spin-Off Product, “The Original Poopinator,” Not Selling Well
- "Hoping to capitalize on the publicity surrounding its “The Original Whizzinator” product in light of Vikings running back Onterrio Smith getting found with the device at an airport, the company that sells the fake penis and urine distiller quickly brought to market a new product – "The Original Poopinator" – a fake anus and butt cheek set that expels replica solid waste. But sales have been less than brisk."
Sports
- Media Embarassed to Admit It Has No Idea Who Won Indy 500
- "Female driver Danica Patrick made history at Sunday's Indianapolis 500, becoming the first woman ever to lead the race and nearly capturing the checkered flag before being passed with seven laps to go by the eventual winner. Much to the chagrin of the the media covering the race, however, the identity of the winner was unknown as everybody was too busy focusing on Patrick's historic fourth-place finish."
- Giacomo Enters Rehab
Racing World Bemoans Derby Winner’s Downward Spiral
- "After finishing a poor third in last weekend’s Preakness race at Pimlico, Kentucky Derby winner Giacomo announced today that he was entering rehab and thanked his fans for their support and prayers. The three-year-old’s stunning announcement came in an open letter to fans published on his official web site, in which he acknowledged that his life had spiraled out of control since he shocked the world with his upset Derby win."
Entertainment and Lifestyle
- Massive Internet Filibuster Threatens Final “American Idol” Vote
- "According to the FBI, A group calling itself “Americans for Real Artists” (ARA) is threatening a massive internet filibuster to block voting for the finals of American Idol."
- Survey Shows More Bloggers than People
- "A recent survey by the Foundation for Accuracy in Blogs (FAB) showed that over eight billion people worldwide are posting on their own blog."
- Group Seeks Ban of Twentieth Century from School Textbooks
Last Century ‘Just a Theory,’ Activists Say
- "A political action group in the state of Kansas is applying pressure on the Kansas State Board of Education to ban any and all references to the twentieth century from school textbooks, a spokesman for the group confirmed today. The move to ban the twentieth century came up in a series of contentious school board hearings this week as the group loudly complained that the state’s current textbooks are rife with references to the controversial century, which they say may or may not have happened."
Cartoons
-Wendy McElroy, Cartoon Editor
- It's Newsweek's Fault
- Mark Fiore animation
- I'm Warning You!
- Signe Wilkinson 'toon
- Patriot Act in Action
- Clay Bennett 'toon
- Unpatriotic
- Tom Toles 'toon
- Beat the Press
- Ted Ralls 'toon
- Political Overtones
- Dana Summers 'toon
- This Modern World
Credibility Gap
- Tom Tomorrow 'toon
- Just Around the Corner
- Tony Auth 'toon
- Alternative Troop Sources
- Ted Rall 'toon
- Backlash
- David Horsey 'toon
- Border Control
- Chuck Asay 'toon
- Not the Koran
- Dan Wasserman 'toon
- Muslim Sensibilities
- Tony Auth 'toon
- Ringing A Bell
- Stuart Carlson 'toon
- Real ID
- Rusmo 'toon
- Cell Phone
- Gary Varvel 'toon
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