FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Team Planet Dissolved As All Members Are Booted in Shocking Redefinition Scandal
Posting from: Tucson, AZ
Listening to: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, For You
The IAU (International Astronomical Union) recently announced that the result of the secondary definitional assessment conducted on the celestial team known as The Nine Planets was inconsistent with the findings of the primary assessment. The results of the reassessment carry shocking implications- all nine bodies in the Solar System formerly identified as planets no longer meet the qualifications.
Early this week momentum appeared to be on the side of a definition which would have added at least three planets to the Solar System. According to that definition, "A planet is a celestial body that (a) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (b) is in orbit around a star, and is neither a star nor a satellite of a planet."
However, in a shocking last minute vote, the IAU instead adopted a definition which imposes a requirement that a planet must necessarily clear its orbit of other objects. This demotes Pluto whose orbit crosses that of Neptune. Although Pluto is the only former planet officially demoted from its status, astronomers point out that consistent application of this requirement would also demote Neptune on the same basis as Pluto, and also demote such planets as Jupiter and Earth who are frequently visited by near-planet asteroids. Tucson astronomer David Levy points out that the new definition effectively rids the Solar System of all planets if applied consistently.
Pluto, which has chosen not to use performance-enhancing substances to meet the requirement, maintains its relevance and believes that it will be vindicated of the "dwarf planet" label.
"In fact, not only am I a planet," said the recently demoted Pluto, "but it turns out that I am very special, being one of only two co-orbiting planets as yet known in the Solar System. No committee of mere mortals can deprive me of my uniqueness. I'll be around long after those guys for sure." Pluto's moon, Charon, was initially intended to be promoted to planetary status since the gravitational center of the two bodies lies outside of Pluto.
Most of the gas giants, long suspected of doping, have remained silent in this matter. The sole exception is Uranus which released a brief statement expressing its regrets over the new definition and hopes that it can move on out of the spotlight with no more "Your Anus" jokes made about it.
"It wasn't even funny the first time," said the moody gas giant. "A celestial body of my stature should not be subjected to the hurtful potty humor that I am privy to on a daily basis."
Listening to: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, For You
The IAU (International Astronomical Union) recently announced that the result of the secondary definitional assessment conducted on the celestial team known as The Nine Planets was inconsistent with the findings of the primary assessment. The results of the reassessment carry shocking implications- all nine bodies in the Solar System formerly identified as planets no longer meet the qualifications.
Early this week momentum appeared to be on the side of a definition which would have added at least three planets to the Solar System. According to that definition, "A planet is a celestial body that (a) has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a hydrostatic equilibrium (nearly round) shape, and (b) is in orbit around a star, and is neither a star nor a satellite of a planet."
However, in a shocking last minute vote, the IAU instead adopted a definition which imposes a requirement that a planet must necessarily clear its orbit of other objects. This demotes Pluto whose orbit crosses that of Neptune. Although Pluto is the only former planet officially demoted from its status, astronomers point out that consistent application of this requirement would also demote Neptune on the same basis as Pluto, and also demote such planets as Jupiter and Earth who are frequently visited by near-planet asteroids. Tucson astronomer David Levy points out that the new definition effectively rids the Solar System of all planets if applied consistently.
Pluto, which has chosen not to use performance-enhancing substances to meet the requirement, maintains its relevance and believes that it will be vindicated of the "dwarf planet" label.
"In fact, not only am I a planet," said the recently demoted Pluto, "but it turns out that I am very special, being one of only two co-orbiting planets as yet known in the Solar System. No committee of mere mortals can deprive me of my uniqueness. I'll be around long after those guys for sure." Pluto's moon, Charon, was initially intended to be promoted to planetary status since the gravitational center of the two bodies lies outside of Pluto.
Most of the gas giants, long suspected of doping, have remained silent in this matter. The sole exception is Uranus which released a brief statement expressing its regrets over the new definition and hopes that it can move on out of the spotlight with no more "Your Anus" jokes made about it.
"It wasn't even funny the first time," said the moody gas giant. "A celestial body of my stature should not be subjected to the hurtful potty humor that I am privy to on a daily basis."
posted by Kirsten | 8/25/2006 11:51:00 AM
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