Quitting
Posting from: Tucson, AZ
Listening to:
I am indulging this afternoon in a bit of boobie-gazing. (It would be navel-gazing, but it occurs to me from my current vantage point that I can't see my navel past my boobies. And for boobie-gazing, I have the best seat in the house.)
I have been thinking in the last few weeks about the subject of quitting. I have grown up with and now live with all sorts of cultural biases against quitting. Quitters never win and winners never quit is a cute little soundbite, but I'm realizing as I grow older how empty and vacuous it sounds to me. Yes, it's a shame to quit something too soon, but it's also detrimental to hang on way too long to something that you really ought to let go.
The first thing that comes to mind is my former marriage. Thank FSM that is over. I hung onto it until the bitter end and well beyond, but I am much, much happier today now that it is over and done with. I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't think he was a bad person. But I do know that we were a very poor match, and we were making each other and ourselves miserable compromising who we were and demanding the same of the other person for the sake of something we could both barely live with. I have a set of ugly dinner dishes in my cupboard that reminds me of this at every meal. Neither of us liked these dishes. We each wanted something else, but our something elses were totally unacceptable to the other person. So we settled for something that neither of us liked but both of us could live with. By compromising again and again in this way, we ended up with lives that were tolerable but nothing close to what either of us really wanted. It was only through quitting that either of us (both, I hope, though I haven't kept in touch with him) could have a life we really love.
The next thing that comes to mind is more current. I had been horrified by the thought of quitting my job. The concept of "job security" is firmly entrenched in my mind. This is a bit weird if you think about it. I was very impressed years ago by a woman who spoke at a leadership class I was attending. She had worked for herself almost her entire adult life. She pointed out that most people are raised to believe that if you have a job- employment where someone else was providing work, income, benefits, etc. for you- you are secure. However, she was raised to believe that if you work for yourself and have other people working for you, you will always be the last person to get fired. In other words, working for someone else was least secure because they could kick you to the curb at any time whereas working for yourself you have control over your destiny. This paradigm shift has been extremely influential to me over the years, and I thank my soon-to-be-former-employer for having paid for me to go to this class.
Related to the above mental block that was stopping me from making a move that I now look forward to with ever more enthusiasm, I also for some reason was stuck in the idea that "I am an engineer." I went to school and got my degree in mechanical engineering, and I have been working as a reliability engineer ever since. I originally planned to move to Montana after I got myself an engineering job up there. However, there's not a lot of that sort of thing to do in the limited area I want to live in, and I wasn't remarkably impressed by the one company I did interview with. In fact, I'm kind of relieved that I did not get the job I applied for. It was very... corporate. I have learned over the last ten years or so that I really am not happy in a corporate, shareholders-first, employees-last, make money now and fuck the long-term, read the latest corporate pop culture best seller book, live by the catch phrase of the week culture. Two people, however, really encouraged me to let go of that and think about doing something else. Once I did that, suddenly a whole new mindset and set of options opened up to me.
A third thing that comes to mind is something that I haven't quit, but something which I would never have started had I told myself it was forever or never- drumming. I remember as a kid a lot of times my parents telling us that we were not allowed to start something because they'd end up spending a lot of money on equipment just to have us quit. Somehow, instead of being allowed to try out a variety of things, we were expected to know in advance that we would have a passion for something and commit to it 100% forever before we'd even be allowed to get a taste of it. In retrospect, this makes no sense to me. I'm glad I gave drumming a try, and I did it in part because I made an agreement with myself that I could quit if I didn't like it. While I have no intention of quitting any time soon, I have the benefit of knowing that I continue because I enjoy it and not because I have some mental overseer bullying me to stick with it lest I be labeled with the dreaded 'q' word. I have since started art lessons with a similar mindset of permission to quit, and I'm loving them enough that drawing is now something I do on my own in my free time. The same with rebuilding a bike and learning how to ride it. I really look forward to trying a lot more new things knowing that I'm not going to be bullied, guilted, or otherwise badgered into sticking with them if I find they're not for me.
As with most things in life, the key is finding a reasonable balance between not giving up too soon and not allowing yourself any exit from something you are unhappy with.
Listening to:
I am indulging this afternoon in a bit of boobie-gazing. (It would be navel-gazing, but it occurs to me from my current vantage point that I can't see my navel past my boobies. And for boobie-gazing, I have the best seat in the house.)
I have been thinking in the last few weeks about the subject of quitting. I have grown up with and now live with all sorts of cultural biases against quitting. Quitters never win and winners never quit is a cute little soundbite, but I'm realizing as I grow older how empty and vacuous it sounds to me. Yes, it's a shame to quit something too soon, but it's also detrimental to hang on way too long to something that you really ought to let go.
The first thing that comes to mind is my former marriage. Thank FSM that is over. I hung onto it until the bitter end and well beyond, but I am much, much happier today now that it is over and done with. I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't think he was a bad person. But I do know that we were a very poor match, and we were making each other and ourselves miserable compromising who we were and demanding the same of the other person for the sake of something we could both barely live with. I have a set of ugly dinner dishes in my cupboard that reminds me of this at every meal. Neither of us liked these dishes. We each wanted something else, but our something elses were totally unacceptable to the other person. So we settled for something that neither of us liked but both of us could live with. By compromising again and again in this way, we ended up with lives that were tolerable but nothing close to what either of us really wanted. It was only through quitting that either of us (both, I hope, though I haven't kept in touch with him) could have a life we really love.
The next thing that comes to mind is more current. I had been horrified by the thought of quitting my job. The concept of "job security" is firmly entrenched in my mind. This is a bit weird if you think about it. I was very impressed years ago by a woman who spoke at a leadership class I was attending. She had worked for herself almost her entire adult life. She pointed out that most people are raised to believe that if you have a job- employment where someone else was providing work, income, benefits, etc. for you- you are secure. However, she was raised to believe that if you work for yourself and have other people working for you, you will always be the last person to get fired. In other words, working for someone else was least secure because they could kick you to the curb at any time whereas working for yourself you have control over your destiny. This paradigm shift has been extremely influential to me over the years, and I thank my soon-to-be-former-employer for having paid for me to go to this class.
Related to the above mental block that was stopping me from making a move that I now look forward to with ever more enthusiasm, I also for some reason was stuck in the idea that "I am an engineer." I went to school and got my degree in mechanical engineering, and I have been working as a reliability engineer ever since. I originally planned to move to Montana after I got myself an engineering job up there. However, there's not a lot of that sort of thing to do in the limited area I want to live in, and I wasn't remarkably impressed by the one company I did interview with. In fact, I'm kind of relieved that I did not get the job I applied for. It was very... corporate. I have learned over the last ten years or so that I really am not happy in a corporate, shareholders-first, employees-last, make money now and fuck the long-term, read the latest corporate pop culture best seller book, live by the catch phrase of the week culture. Two people, however, really encouraged me to let go of that and think about doing something else. Once I did that, suddenly a whole new mindset and set of options opened up to me.
A third thing that comes to mind is something that I haven't quit, but something which I would never have started had I told myself it was forever or never- drumming. I remember as a kid a lot of times my parents telling us that we were not allowed to start something because they'd end up spending a lot of money on equipment just to have us quit. Somehow, instead of being allowed to try out a variety of things, we were expected to know in advance that we would have a passion for something and commit to it 100% forever before we'd even be allowed to get a taste of it. In retrospect, this makes no sense to me. I'm glad I gave drumming a try, and I did it in part because I made an agreement with myself that I could quit if I didn't like it. While I have no intention of quitting any time soon, I have the benefit of knowing that I continue because I enjoy it and not because I have some mental overseer bullying me to stick with it lest I be labeled with the dreaded 'q' word. I have since started art lessons with a similar mindset of permission to quit, and I'm loving them enough that drawing is now something I do on my own in my free time. The same with rebuilding a bike and learning how to ride it. I really look forward to trying a lot more new things knowing that I'm not going to be bullied, guilted, or otherwise badgered into sticking with them if I find they're not for me.
As with most things in life, the key is finding a reasonable balance between not giving up too soon and not allowing yourself any exit from something you are unhappy with.
Labels: boobie-gazing
posted by Kirsten | 1:21 PM
2 Comments:
The one thing I always tell myself when I have thoughts like you described is "life does not have rules." That being said, I mean rules in more of a personal restriction form, rather than "don't speed, don't kill, etc." It takes a great amount of courage to throw off that yoke of oppression that each of us is raised under. Once you do it, you must continually tell yourself you're free, you can do whatever you want to do each day. You do not have to work as an engineer just because you have a degree in it! You can go study underwater BB stacking just because it's Sunday and you have the urge. Life must be lived. There is no punishment for not "living up to other peoples' expectations" (through psychological imprint or otherwise). The only true judge of your life is you - make sure you die with a smile on your face. Everything from now until that moment is fair game - do with the time what you will, and be happy about it.
Great Blog by the way.
Tireman
Remember that not all engineering has to be done in some stuff-shirt stifling corporate atmosphere, either. If you like being an engineer, there are ways to enjoy that career without the corporations--like being an inventor, for example. Perhaps you'll come across an opportunity that blends your engineering background with a working atmosphere you enjoy.
But you are right that knowing when to walk away is as important as not walking away too soon.
I'm so excited for you!
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